I asked ChatGPT to make a crochet pattern for the Miami Mall Shadow Alien...

By Michelle -

This pattern is not by me, it is by my dear friend ChatGPT. It is so terrible that I wouldn't even imagine taking credit for it. But it's funny, and it's definitely cursed.

I haven't asked ChatGPT to make a cursed pattern for me in a while, but I did Slenderman a while back and also Macho Man. Absolute disasters but also hilarious. I really need to do this periodically for lols.

I'm sure by now we've all heard about the Miami mall alien conspiracy (this is totally a conspiracy I can get behind), so I'm not going to go into it. You can rabbit hole yourself if you want, access the Google. What I am going to do is drop this pattern here for you to laugh at.

I don't know why there are safety eyes included in the materials and then instructions to make eyes. I guess the safety eyes are just to keep you company while you work. There's also some really bizarre formatting for work even rounds, which...I don't know. I simply do not know. I copied it here exactly as the thing gave it to me for posterity. The robot-child is clearly still learning, and I'm so glad that AI continues to be very, very profoundly bad at writing patterns. It's very good at making pretty cool images that fool all the marks out there, but oh boy is it bad at writing actual patterns. 

...maybe I should actually NOT keep doing this because I don't want it to get better at it...oh no, a conundrum I never thought I'd have, but here we are. 

YOLO WE LIVE IN A DYSTOPIA AND NOTHING MATTERS.

Anywho, let's make this here AI-written alien.

Materials:

  • Worsted weight yarn in black, silver, and any other desired colors
  • 3.5 mm crochet hook
  • Fiberfill stuffing
  • Safety eyes
  • Yarn needle
  • Stitch marker
  • Scissors

Abbreviations:

  • ch: chain
  • sc: single crochet
  • inc: increase (2 sc in the same stitch)
  • dec: decrease (single crochet 2 stitches together)

Instructions:

Head:

  1. Using black yarn, make a magic ring and crochet 6 sc into the ring. Pull tight to close the ring. (6)
  2. Inc in each stitch around. (12)
  3. Sc 1, inc around. (18)
  4. Sc 2, inc around. (24)
  5. Sc 3, inc around. (30)
  6. Sc 4, inc around. (36) 7-12. Sc in each stitch around. (36) 
  7. Sc 4, dec around. (30)
  8. Sc 3, dec around. (24)
  9. Sc 2, dec around. (18)
  10. Sc 1, dec around. (12)
  11. Dec around. (6)
  12. Fasten off and leave a long tail for sewing. Stuff the head.

Body:

  1. Using black yarn, make a magic ring and crochet 6 sc into the ring. Pull tight to close the ring. (6)
  2. Inc in each stitch around. (12)
  3. Sc 1, inc around. (18)
  4. Sc 2, inc around. (24)
  5. Sc 3, inc around. (30) 6-10. Sc in each stitch around. (30)
  6. Sc 3, dec around. (24) 12-15. Sc in each stitch around. (24)
  7. Sc 2, dec around. (18) 17-18. Sc in each stitch around. (18)
  8. Sc 1, dec around. (12)
  9. Dec around. (6)
  10. Fasten off and leave a long tail for sewing. Stuff the body.

Eyes (make 2):

  1. Using silver yarn, make a magic ring and crochet 6 sc into the ring. Pull tight to close the ring. (6)
  2. Inc in each stitch around. (12)
  3. Sc 1, inc around. (18)
  4. Sc 2, inc around. (24)
  5. Sc 3, inc around. (30)
  6. Fasten off and leave a long tail for sewing.

Assembly:

  1. Sew the eyes onto the head, leaving enough space in between.
  2. Sew the head onto the body.
  3. Add any additional features, such as antennas or details, using colored yarn.
  4. Weave in all loose ends.


 

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